Why can't I get better friends, and the mystery of the phantom MSNer solved!

The following conversations have been paraphrased from memory as I was constantly booted out by MSN and had lost the chat logs.

***

Bing: Hahahahahahaha.
Me: What.
Bing: Sorry, I know I shouldn't be laughing at this. But it was so funny! [*refer to last post]
Me: ...
Bing: So malu.
Me: -__-''
Bing: Hahahahaa.

Gods, why can't you give me better friends? Friends who will CRY over my plight because it pains them so much to see me hurt and suffering. Friends who will rush over the instant they learn of my misfortune, armed with fruit baskets and chocolates and lots of love, and will, without being asked, peel grapes for me and sayang me? Friends whose hearts will ache so much when they saw my poor bloodied knees that they will hug me and we will CRY together until the cows come home?

WHY? WHY? WHY? What have to done to deserve friends like this? *sobs pitifully*

***

Me: I figured you are the phantom when I saw BLANK msn me. Didn't expect BLANK to work. o_O
D: There's a way to do that, and I've convinced my friends to all do it. Now I don't know who's who.
Me: Yar. Can't see the email add unless you lick the blank.
D: Lick the blank.
Me: CLICK, NOT LICK. *falls off chair*
D: Kinky. Military kink.
Me: Mmmm. My typo is the coolest.
D: Lick blanks.
Me: *licks*