For some unknown reason, I am a lot happier this semester. Even though the workload is somewhat heavy, I find myself fulfilling them willingly, so I guess you can also say that I am a lot more motivated. I wonder how much of this has got to do with the NS guys coming in. It shouldn't have had such an impact since I don't even see the lot of them very much. But I guess it does help to make the environment friendlier. I never did realise that NS has affected me in such an indirect manner, but it is really more difficult to make friends (friends who are not acquaintances) in university. And when the guys were in NS, half my social circle was gone; and admittedly, I felt a little lost. See, even the most self-professed independent woman has her needy moments. I may not need to be with people all the time, but it does make a difference to my mood if I can bump into one or two of them some time during the day. I don't even have to spend too much time with them. Just a hi, a smile, or a friendly pat on the arm/shoulder reconnects me to the world. It's amazing how little things can appear so great when you actually stop to appreciate them.

I guess my being happier has also got a little to do with the fact that TC is no longer around to wreck my nerves. He really messes up my mood, and it's completely ridiculous. Obviously, I need to get a grip of myself. I'm becoming a weakling.

Now, onto other things. I'm really feeling disappointed with my media writing classes. It's not like I'm not learning anything ('cos I do), but they ain't anything that I can't read for myself. It's the beri 'unsteady' teachers that's bothering me. Plus, I don't really like my class, and I don't know why. It's the vibes they sent off, I guess. I've figured that people of that area of studies (excluding my dear friends, of course) are just not my kinda people. It's even worse than the situation in lit.

Sometimes I really wonder if it's really the other people's personalities that (justifiably) bother me, or if it's just me being unwilling to take in more friends, such that I unconsciously trick myself into thinking that 'no, they are not my kinda people' or 'no, they are not nice, so avoid them'.

The thing is, I don't think I'm socially inadequate. I can certainly socialise with people if I want to, but as I grow older, I get increasingly repulsed by superficial relationships. I don't like (nor do I want to) pretend, not even for the sake of social decency. And I hate the idea of networking on the basis of actually befriending people based on their relative usefulness (and I feel that a lot among people). When I want to befriend people, I do so sincerely. If it were only for professional conveniences, then I would choose not to pretend that we are even friends. In a way, you can say that I like to compartmentalise my social life and draw clear lines among friends, acquaintances, and colleagues. Of course some may overlap, but those that do not, they will remain just that. I have nothing against the concept of networking, but let's not pretend to be great friends with each other when we are not, is all. If we can't be great friends, we can be great colleagues or great business partners, simply people who work well together, and that is all right too. I simply don't understand why there is a tendency among most people to keep up facades.

And facades -- I guess that is what's keeping me away from new people (not all new people, though, as there are those few precious ones, like Shilin lor). I can never tell if people are sincere about knowing me, and so I stick to the safe old crowd, people whom I grew up with, in more innocent times, and whom I know, are people I can rely on, people who truly care about me.